Saturday Stories: The End of an Era

I had been through a drought of dating. It was a famine of epic proportions. I think it had been 3 years since I'd been on a date.

And then I went out on a date with a guy my friend set me up with... in the midst of the date, I was alone at the bowling lane. So I checked my phone. There was a text from a guy I knew, Brad. Brad wanted to know if I could go see a movie.

When I was home from the date, I sent a text back that I couldn't because I had been out. He asked it I wanted to go out the next night. I said yes.

I didn't think it was a date. I thought it was a "hey, Emery's been having a rough time so we should hang out although we've never really hung out." But yet he dressed up, opened my doors, bought me a frappuccino from Starbucks, bought my movie ticket and was a perfect gentleman. 

I was smitten.

In one night, I grew a full blown crush on this guy that I had been superficially interacting with for a few months. And now... yep. I was a goner. (I realize now how ridiculous that was, but bear with me... like I said, there was famine in the land. One seems to always overeat after starving...)

A week later, we went to an activity that involved being on a train and cruising one of the valleys. It was in the evening and Brad found me. And we spent almost the entire train ride talking and flirting. In fact, there were a couple of moments when we got extremely close and I imagined that maybe he'd be the one to break the other drought—the haven't been kissed in 9 years drought.

Sunday, we saw each other and he gave me a nice little speech that we had gotten too close and he wasn't really interested in me "that way". 

Being the naive girl, I decided that I would find a way to convince him that he really didn't want me. 

For the record... it never works.

Wednesday Letters: Thanksgiving

Dear Thanksgiving,

I don't hate you.

It's just that I don't have a lot of decorations.

And Christmas has glitter and twinkle lights and sweets.

You, on the other hand, have lots of heavy food... and football games... and shopping. Which I love. It just makes it difficult to decorate.

So don't think that because my Christmas decorations have come out and the Christmas movies are playing, and I'm dancing to Christmas music that I'm over you.

I'm not.

I like you.

I just like Christmas a little more.

Don't cry too much.

 [source]

Love,

Emery

And It Slips Away

Thanksgiving is next week.

Let me reiterate that:

Thanksgiving is next week!!!

I am not prepared.

First off, I haven't lost the 20 pounds that I'm probably going to gain in the next 6 weeks.

Secondly, I'm not prepared for my semester to be over (alright... I am actually ready for that. I can't stand school anymore.). 

But I am prepared for Christmas, as evidenced by the Instagram picture taken last night:

Yep. The garland is hung. I will next be hunting for the stocking holders. My roommate suggested that I use left over cardboard from the box my new bed shipped in to make the bar look like a fireplace. But that seems to take more time and effort than what it's worth.

It's not that I hate Thanksgiving, I just think that they are wrapped up in each other. Because of Thanksgiving, I get to celebrate Christmas a little longer and be grateful and give to others. I don't know how to explain it. But I love this time of year.

I also love the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade. Which I will be watching. On a big screen TV. At least, that's what I'm hoping.

Also, I bought my ticket back to San Diego for Christmas. There will be children. And warm weather. Definitely beats the snow fall that we recently had here in Salt Lake City.

Ripping Off the Band-Aid

I've always been a firm believer in ripping off the band-aid. I can handle the temporary explosion of pain that quickly subsides over the agonizing continuous pain that can come as someone tries to rip it off little by little. 

So, today, I'm going to rip off a band-aid and share something.

I'm overweight.

I have been for a long time. But I used to be worse. 

I struggled with weight for a long time. I could never get in a rhythm to get rid of it or to exercise regularly. And because of it, I allowed myself to be defined as the overweight, ugly girl. 

It pains me to post this... can you see my thunder thighs and my otherwise non-existant waistline? Yep... this was before I started to do something about all of that...

It only made sense that the reason I wasn't getting asked out was because I was fat. Right? I mean, I can carry on conversations about almost any topic and ask questions, so clearly, I just need to be prettier?

I hate this picture... I haven't looked at it in years... but I just...

Ugh... I can't believe I let myself get there...

Well, I've lost about 30 pounds since I started to get serious about losing weight. I'm plateauing but I know that I could eat better (here's to hoping that I can do that this week....). But the truth is, I still let those former thoughts define me and how I expect to be treated.

I know I tell my stories of being in the dating scene, but the truth is, every time something goes wrong or there is a rejection, I look internally and think, "Dang it all, Emery! It's because you can't seem to get your butt into gear and really lose weight again. Your personality only takes you so far." 

And so it becomes a vicious cycle. There are days like yesterday where I have to dress up and look pretty and every piece of clothing that I try on magically doesn't fit. Or what made me look slender two weeks ago, now tugs and flaunts all of the rolls and curves that shouldn't be there. But instead of putting on the go-to maxi skirt and the baggy t-shirt, I went with something a little less comfortable and decided I could suck it up. 

So what I'm trying to say is that I struggle. A lot. It takes a lot for me to say that I look pretty. To really accept a compliment. And maybe it explains why I so often question the motives of the boy who starts talking to me. Because in the back of my mind, I think: "I'm fat. Why aren't you talking to the skinny girl sitting at the desk?"

But I'm trying to change. It's just going to take a while.

For the record... this is me a couple of weeks ago...

I'll try not to point out to you the various blemishes I have and the squinty eyes (my eyes are probably my favorite feature...). But I'll end this post with a pretty picture.

Saturday Stories: Oh the Arrogance...

Just last Sunday, I was invited to my friend's house for dinner.

En route to her house, I called my parents to have our weekly Sunday talk. I arrived before we had finished and so I parked and sat in my car talking on the phone. 

As we finished, I looked out the window to notice a young man staring at me. Not unattractive, but certainly not drop dead handsome (we're not talking Chris Evans, here...). He pointed up to the apartment and then to me. I hung up with my parents, and got out of my car.

Him: "Oh... do I know you?"

Me: "No."

Him: "So you're not Cassie?"

Me: "Obviously."

We both went up to Cassie's apartment. However, this guy made it a point to flirt with me. Being the only single girl besides Cassie, he sought to conquer. And although I did not desire his attention (and I only loved it a little bit until I realized that he was one of THOSE guys who wants all the girls to be in love with him), he certainly knew which buttons to push to make me blush.

As I left, he decided that he needed to give me a hug and to take a picture with me. 

I got into my car and wasn't thrilled by a new possibility... rather I was annoyed. Sure, I want to be won over, but not for the pride of being won over, but because I am wanted.

I hope I don't ever see him again.

Wednesday Letters: To the Costume Makers

Dear Costume Makers,

I don't believe in dressing up for Halloween.

Maybe because my mother didn't like finding me costumes or she often went with a homemade outfit that just wasn't as cool as my friends.

But even if I did like dressing up... I have yet to find a costume that isn't slutty. Seriously? Does Strawberry Shortcake REALLY need to be slutty? You're making a mockery of my childhood.

Just sayin'.

Cordially,

Emery

Back to the Grind

I can't believe it's back to being Monday again.

I also can't believe how exhausted I am and it's only Monday.

Maybe I feel a little bad that Monday gets to be a such a bummer day.

But I'll give you a recap of last week:

1. Landed an internship for next semester doing social media. That's pretty cool!

2. Went to the gym 3 times during the week (that's an accomplishment, trust me).

3. Hosted a party for some of my friends. We called it Witches' night and involved us dressing up as witches and make pumpkins from pretty paper (thank you, Pinterest):

4. Watched Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring and Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers. What you don't know is that I never before made it through both movies. I have fallen asleep every single time I tried to watch either of them (which may have been like one try for each movie). I feel the need to get Return of the King and polish it off.

It was a decent week. I didn't do as much as I hoped to with my schoolwork or work projects, but hopefully I'll do better this week. Keeping my fingers crossed.

Also, I'm wishing that my big bed would come soon. I think we're down to a couple of weeks worth of waiting now. HURRAY!